ravena_kade

The wedding finally came and has gone. The wedding itself was beautiful. The Bride and Groom charming and appreciative of all their guests. The Priest had a lovely message and shared memories from his life that pertained to the ceremony of marriage.

The bad was the total chaos of the cousin. Np surprise. I have travelled with a sword group and those road trips were simple by comparison. I have volunteered with a friend and taken a dozen developmentally and physically challenged adults on trips and it was fine. This was just so ...so...sooooo.....

Friday we left to go from Boston to Worcester to the hotel. It's only 1. hours, but no one can follow directions. I know where I am going, but no one listens. When we arrived to a restaurant for lunch I help the 96 year old to the rest room. She soiled herself. I clean her up. Sigh, but it is what it is. Do it quietly and allow her dignity. Then the cousins ask me to take stroke cousin to the rest room. She can't open doors or sit down without help. We go in and I get her situated and she tells me she needs to be changed. She wet her undergarment 6 times in the trip. She had a clean on in her bag, but nothing to put the soiled one in. She just wanted to leave it on the floor...NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo. I swear the depends weighed 6 pounds... ad I got wet. Sigh. Then we go to the table, but the chairs are too high. They tried a booth but we couldn't fit her in. They had high tops but she couldn't fit in that either. Finally someone brought out a chair from the kitchen and it worked. Sigh. Every time we stopped for food for the weekend it was the same.

At the wedding they sat me in between the 96 year old and the stroke cousin. I cut up the 96 year olds steak for her. As I ate stroke cousin pushed my plate and pushed hers towards me and said "Cut my food". No please or thank you. And when she wanted things she would poke me with her cane. She also spilled coffee on my new coat.

Today was check out day. Dad and I were ready at 8 AM...we could have been out of there at 5 AM, but spinal surgery cousin was riding with us. We left at 10 AM did not get home until 4:40 PM because of bathroom breaks and stopping for lunch...where we had the chair issues again. I think I was frothing at the mouth when I got home.

I am truly surprised lead cousin hasn't snapped yet. She deals with this all the time. While I like to think I play well with others, in the end I am not a heard animal.

Today I find myself exhausted. I worked in the yard Saturday and Sunday and all day yesterday. I am really out of shape for lifting bags of soil, milch and gravel. Oi. All the rain we have has me behind in the yard chores and the wedding this coming weekend will keep me from getting things done.

Yesterday I also tried a corned beef recipe from a low sodium cookbook that came highly recommended. I love a traditional New England corned beef dinner but Dad can't have it. This looked really really good....but without the salt it wasn't even close. That and it took 3.5 hours.. Not a win for me, but I will eat the meat with sauerkraut. And since brisket is expensive I can make it tastier as BBQ. Even low sodium bbq.

In the last couple weeks I found a you tube channel about using photography as meditation. It makes sense to me. One of the things I wanted to do is get a prime 50mm lens so I can work on composition and just be lighter in my gear. I have always shot with BIG zoom lenses. The thing is that prime lenses (non zoom) can be expensive. I did some research and got some opinions and decided on a 50mm 1.4. I went to the camera store I use and had a chat with the manager. One lens is $500 and the other just about $1000. I said that I did my research and those prices matched my expectations. I told him what I was planning to do and my experience level and asked about the 2 lens. I thought that since I couldn't figure out the difference that the expensive lens just may be too much lens for me at this time. I thought it was interesting that I put it that way. We talked a bit and he searched and found me two used lenses at one of their sister stores. The expensive Sigma Lens had not been priced yet but would be between $500 and $750. He also found the NIKON version and it was $156.00. He suggested that I get the $156 and use it for 90 days and if I want "more lens" I could return it under their no questions asked return policy and I could get the expensive one. Deal. I have bought used lenses from them in the past and have never been disappointed.

The dreaded wedding is coming up and the forecast is rain. I had to buy a long dress raincoat to cover the long dress I am wearing. This wedding had become expensive. I'll be happy when it is over.

Yesterday started early. An out of state friend who is having troubles reached out to me at 6 AM. I was away, but not expecting messages at that hour. Said I could help, but they have decisions to make. I am here to bounce ideas off of and to help with a plan.

Then it was off to the cousins at 7:15. They had people coming in to give home mani pedis, but they needed a certain number of people. One of them was sick so I filled in. Doing it in home is wicked expensive, but it is a way for my 96 year old aunt and stroke cousin to have them and for the lead cousin not have to be dealing with feet. Aside from the chaos of the cousins it was a nice experience. I have only had a mani pedi once and that was probably 20 years ago. I do love my orange toenails ;-) Maybe I will do it again in July or August.

It never rained yesterday so I could go buy flowers and spent time in the yard. I have one peony blooming so I worked around it to enjoy it. Some of the sting flowers don't bloom long so it is like visiting with them.

Today I am Auntie sitting as the cousins were invited to a family (their Dad's side) thing so I said I would watch their Mom and stroke cousin. They are going to take Dad with them so the afternoon should be quiet. When I get home I hope to do some gardening.

Work is still bothersome. The boss gave me, and the w others a surprise quiz. I have no time for Quizzes as I have 4 days to do month end reporting. I don't like being caught off guard and I don't like being embarrassed. The other 2 just laughed it off and got many things wrong. They can laugh because it's not their job. The boss cannot write and I questioned her context. Im a sucky typer, but when I write procedures I am spot on...because I review and use the spell check and grammar tools available. The boss came back after and said I only got one item wrong, but she could tell I hated the exercise. I said that I was sorry that I did not have a poker face.

I was able to get most of the reporting done in 3 days along with my daily work. I was pleased with that, but I had an error on an investment recon and I could not find it. I was sure it was a concept thing and I just needed a nudge in the right direction. I called the boss at 9 AM and told her. I said that I had plans to close the month that day, but I hit a road block and I believe I am over thinking something. She said her day has turned upside-down and that she would help me later. It took me 3 hours to find the mistake...it was a compound error from an accounting entry made on April 3rd. She gets back to me at 2:35. I had found it and I knew the correction entry, but I needed to know how far back I could go with the effective date. She said she would gave to think on it. I left when it was time to go home

Next day she tells me that I was correct in the date a chose. I lost a day. She had a board meeting from 7:30AM to 9 AM. After the meeting I sent her word that I had finished all the reports and checked all of my figures and that the month was ready to close. I also asked how her board meeting went. She said it went fine and that they discussed my performance and that she needed to make sure I could comprehend concepts. Ummm...I was just asking to be polite. I dont think the board needs to know anything about me until performance reviews come around. I did not respond. I was mad. Half hour later she sends another email saying that she didn't want to close the month because it was Friday but she would try to do it over the weekend as she would be traveling to Dr appointments on Monday and not be around. She also said thank you for taking ownership of all my problems. Ummm...really? Okay. I wanted to say I hope you are taking ownership for not wanting to train, or not having the slightest concept on how to train. SIGH.
She emails again saying that I should use her to help me understand booking concepts. That she is here to teach. REALLY?? It took hours just to get a question answered. The time delay messes with momentum.

While I am not free to leave as I have no way of dealing with my Dad's medical appointments, I know. that if she lets me go I have done all I could putting up with this crap. I won't be my fault if I can't do anymore for him.

Spent about 3 hours in the garden yesterday. Wanted to do more, but had to do dad stuff.

Today Dad went to the cousins afterI did the grocery shopping and card shopping for him...it's my aunts 96 birthday and next week is mothers day and he needed cards for her...but he can't pick out cards. I them spend 5 hours in the yard...tying u[ fences and cleaning u leaves. I dont have a tree in the yard, but I get tons of leaves. I got some things planted and moved a couple of perennials too.

Right now I am sore so it will be an 800mg Motrin before bed.

I got something in the mail outlining social security. I am discouraged as things are not looking good. The difference between getting out at 65 and 70 is $1000 a month...but my generation in the family is dropping dead before 70. My grandmother also died at 69. I am just so done. What is the point? When does one just give up.

Is anyone on Bluesky?

The boss annoyed me.

Usually when Dad has a cardiologist appointment I start a bit early and stay a bit late to make up the time. I put it all on the time card. 2 weeks ago I reminded her of an appointment and she said I could not start before 6. I said ok. Yesterday she tells me that I can't start early at all in case someone looks at the time cards. My job doesn't need to start early and there is no overtime. Ummm... I am not doing it for OT... and I only work 8 hours. I do it for a dr appointment for my Dad who is still on an approval list for a mechanical heart pump (knock on wood that he doesn't need it). It's super easy to explain. She doesn't want to rock the boat so now I must use my vacation time.

And I guess I don't start early. Maybe I should draw.

The cousins are disintegrating.

I received a call from the younger bitchy sister. She asked if we could come over. She was upset.

We headed over and I found lead cousin crying in her car. Things are getting worse. She is sick and is having muscle spasms. Her Doctor said that things were too much for her and prescribed sleeping pills so she can rest, but she can't take them because she needs to be alert for her 2 sisters and her Mother.

It turns out stroke cousin is refusing to do of her PT. If she refuses again then they will no longer come to the house. She is refusing to get dressed and refusing to get out of bed on her own. She is refusing to speak to a therapist to help with her mental state. The only thing she did do is tell the therapist that she is not allowed to watch what she wants on TV. The therapist called the lead cousin. It turns out that stroke cousin likes to watch some loud crass sports talk show on cable at the same time the Mom is out of her room and watching TV. The 96 year olds choice of TV is either something religious or a British cozy mystery. Stroke cousin doesn't believe that the 96 year old should get a choice. Ummm it's her house.

Stroke cousin has also said that she believes that the Mom should be put in a nursing home so that she can be looked after better. Her PT person said to her that she is lucky that her sisters opened up their home so she can recover, but that they are not servants. Oh My.

The therapist had her outside and suggested that they walk on the grass. Stroke cousin started screaming that she was sinking in the grass and would swallowed by the ground.

Fucking sad.

I asked lead cousin if her sister's PT was preparing her for independent living? She said yes, when it isn't being refused. The thing she needs to do is get out of bed on her own. Once she can get up on her own and get to the bathroom she can be left alone. Maybe even take her to her house so she can spend a day there. Lead cousin said that friends suggested that, but stroke cousin said if she went to her house she would be depressed and she doesn't think she wants to ever leave where she is.

She can't stay. I suggested giving her until July, then have her put her name into elderly housing here in the city. It may take 2 or 3 years for something to come up, but once she can walk around on her own she can go back to her apartment. Disabled people can live by themselves. All of her friends would visit. Family can visit. She can also have a personal care attendant if she is disabled. My friends in housing can help with this.

It is a dark and stormy day. I just wanted to lounge around. Dad came home from breakfast and said that Thomasina called him. They are saying goodbye to Marylee this morning. Tests came back showing that she would not survive once off the breathing machine. Dad wanted to say goodbye but could not find the hospital on his own. I showered up and off we went using my phone GPS.

It was a sad chaotic circus. My Aunts 4 children were still under some influences and were keening and crying and trying to crawl in the hospital bed with their Mother. It's sad how damaged they have become from drug and alcohol abuse. I have no idea how they are going to cope when their Mom did everything for them.

Dad and I left after my Aunt was pronounced dead. We met my Aunt Thomasina's husband in the parking garage. He doesn't like to go into hospitals. We then headed north to the bar in Ipswich for lunch. It was a good happy crowd all talking with one another. Dad joined in when the conversation turned to golf.

Home now. All I want to do is take a nap.

Yesterday I had a glimpse into the day to day that is the cousins. OMG

On Saturday I got a text from cancer/spinal surgery cousin asking if I could watch her Mom and stroke cousin while she had an appointment. This meant I had to leave the house and then work from the cousins house...but they could not tell me when the would pick me up. This causes me a bit of anxiety as my boss wouldn't want this at all. Oy.

So the morning of I told the boss that would need to step away for a few minutes because a repair guy was coming to the house. I had no idea when. I am doing the month end stuff and we needed to close all the accounts that day. Not a great day to be distracted.

So lead cousin gets me at 9:40 and at 10 AM I was up and running. The DR appointment was not until 1, but lead cousin had some work conference calls. So I tried working while taking care of 96 year old aunt the the 2 recovering daughters. It was not easy....

The first thing is that the aunt had an accident and I needed to shower her. Then stroke cousin says friends are going to drop by and bring food, but she can't open the door... I have no idea why. She then has an accident and I clean her up... she still cannot bend over and do some things with ought falling over. Then the door rings and I thought it was the friend...nope, it was a visiting nurse or something. I go to talk to spinal surgery cousin and ask her if she is going to get dressed to go to the appointment. She cannot move her head/neck or raise her ams. She said in a few minutes.

At one point my aunt needs to use the bathroom so I take her there with her walker. At the same time stroke cousin was into the bathroom to be showered by the visiting therapist person. But before that spinal surgery cousin needs to get in the bathroom to wash up. I am in a very narrow hallway surround by 3 walkers and I have a 96 year old on the toilet who needs help. I felt like I was in a 3 Stooges movie. The therapist kept pushing...I swear she was some sort of air head. I said loudly "Look you will need to wait until I get the old lady off the toilet".

My aunt said she was sorry. I told her don't be. She is the only one making sense. Spinal cousin started to cry so I walked her and her mother back to her room.

The therapist wanted towels, but stroke cousin doesn't like towels to dry off with as they are too big. She wanted 10 face cloths. OMG. No wonder why lead cousin is going bananas. I gave her 2 face cloths and 2 hand towels and a big towel and said deal with it. I then grabbed spinal cousins toiletries and left the showering to happen.

I grabbed my aunt and spinal cousin and took them to the kitchen. I sat my aunt down and helped spinal cousin wash up in the sink and get her dressed. Then I sat them both down in the living room to wait for lead cousin.

All this while I was supposed to be working.

Later the friends came over...it was tough to work at all I found out that when people visit stroke cousin the rest of the family is expected to entertain. Ummm...nope.

Later when my work time was up my aunt wanted to watch TV in her room. I went with her and we chatted. She wants stroke cousin to go home because today wasn't anything new. It's like that everyday. Everyone is in everyone's way.


So I have one more sitting gig on the 23rd. I told them I would sleep over so I could start work early and not worry about leaving. Part of me wants to run away, but this is a lot for them to deal with and it is unfair to my aunt. The good thing is that both stroke cousin and spinal cousin are getting stronger every day .

The really good thing is that I appreciate that my Dad did not need the heart pump this year...and nock on wood...I hope it stays that way.