ravena_kade

Dad has been really board. He is down to 173 pounds. I could use that diet plan.

Dad when I went up to eat lunch with him he tells me that he has blood clots behind the eyes. A vascular doc comes in to ask question. The will try and schedule a special MRI (not a regular one as Dad has a pacemaker). This could rule out his candidacy for the LVad. At 2:30 the inserted the cardiac catheter.

When I came home a Doctor called. He sounded like he was 12 years old. His conversation led me to believe that Dad's numbers were so low that if he went home he would die. That Dad still had a lot of fluid around his heart and that he would need the catheter in for 4 or 5 days. I ended up having a panic attack while I was texting an out of state friend. I called DQ as I needed to un panic and she came over. Oh boy. I was too upset to sleep.

Today I go in and I see Dad for lunch. He said that they were taking out the Cath today and that once he had that MRI he could go home. Ummm... gee that's not what the young doctor said. I told him what was said.

I get a call at 2 asking if I could go back to Dad's room as a person from the LVad group was there. I go in and see that they did remove the catheter and a woman had an LVad machine out and was letting Dad play with it. She explained everything and showed hum how durable the device was. She ran through all the errors. She also said that if it stopped working Dad would not die as his heart still works, but just is very weak. Dad asked a ton of questions. They told him he could drive and go back to work after 8 to 10 weeks. Not sure what his choice will be.

Dad is not coming home this weekend. Today I was told that his kidneys have weakened in 2 days so much that they won't give him the meds that made him feel better over the last year. He either needs the electric heart pump or die. Or if the kidneys have gotten to the point where they won't rally then they won't give him the heart operation and he will die.

My head can't handle the financials. My pay can't handle the house.

I told the doctor I understand the procedure completely. It's the financial ramifications. I can't be out of work 2 2 or more months for the recovery. Family leave here is not 100% of my pay.

Sadly I had to call for help as I was too upset to ride the T. A cousin came to get me.

I need to find someone unattached to my family who can help me navigate this...and not make me Tyrion Lannister by killing my Mother and Father. Is there such a thing as a therapist/elder advisor/financial planner person?

Dad won't be home until at least Friday. They are trying to get more fluid off him and want to see how the new meds do for a day. Since they are changing the meds I dont mind if they keep him longer to watch how he does with the meds. They lowered the rare medicine he takes and he had a heart rate jump... Im not thrilled with that. If it happens again tomorrow I may ask that he be put back on the higher does... even if there is $100 difference.

Dad did hear the hospital phone ring many times last night and thought it would be for someone else so he didn't answer it.

Lead cousin dropped off shepherds pie for Dad for tomorrow as he asked for it. I guess I am not invited to Christmas. I guess I will visit Dad and do laundry.

Visited Dad yesterday. Because there was no green line the commute in took 2.5 hours. Same for the way home. Sigh.

He is doing well. He looks less puffy. They are giving him shots of Lasix. He had 2 yesterday. They seem to be working. I asked the doctor about all the blood test results I was getting messages for. I can see that his magnesium is normal, but every other test is abnormal. Are the abnormals normal for someone with CHF and with fluid overload or are his kidneys gone too. She said the abnormals are normal for home and that there is some kidney issue but it's not huge. The goal is to get him down to a dry weight.

I did make him food and will have to bring it to him. I hope he is released Tuesday or Wednesday. Today I will eat lunch with him and dinner and head home. At least the trains are back to normal today.

I'm tired.

I have spent a lot of time on the phone trying to organize Dad's admittance to the hospital tomorrow. Sheesh. He may not get in until after 3 PM. If I don't hear anything by 3 PM I should call. Oi. I don't think he will be home for Christmas Day. I have a ride for him to the hospital and I can grab a cab in Boston to get him home.

I didn't get as much done today as I wanted. I did finish shopping for gifts and I bought myself a lobster roll for lunch so that is a plus. All chores are done and I won't have to cook for him this week. I want to go to an Asian market and get a ton of veg for my dinners while he is away.

I decorated the Christmas tree tonight and for the first time in years it didn't put in a mood. Interesting.

I am waiting for my sister to call. I need to tell her about Dad. I think this is the beginning of chronic congestive heart failure. She works in a heart clinic so she can research more if she wants to ( I dont think she will).

I experimented with curlier hair for the upcoming wedding and I record some good feed back. As someone who always had straight no volume hair going fuller feels weird. I tried to post a pic here, but I can't get it to work.

Dad gained a pound this morning...that could be because of the food he ate yesterday and it hasn't processed. WE argued and I said that he was being a selfish ass. He went to work.

I found out that his sister is in the hospital in Salem. She had pneumonia and something else (dad couldn't remember) that is contagious. I'll text her later to check on her and see how she is. Her husband is also feeling poorly and is taking himself to the VA hospital today.

Today I have off. I plan to putter away the morning. Dad has a half day. I will call the doc and see if I can increase his meds and then just have him admitted Monday to reduce the fluid. I think of the old Willie Wonka movie where the girl turns into a giant blueberry and has to be juiced.

This weekend I need to see if the crappy old phone will allow me to add the Uber app. Then I can just Uber Dad places...I guess.

This week's head space has been odd. I was clearly disappointed in the craft show...not the not selling, but how much I had to work to get items finished in just over a week and how people in my RL really kept trying to rip me away from painting and how I had to get angry with them to make them leave me alone so I could work.

Monday I stumbled across an interview with someone who is a creative... and I was both jealous and mopey about things. I reached out to a friend and came back to normal.

DQ has been calling me quite often. I feel bad as I know this is the first time in her 83 years that she has ever been alone. I wouldn't mind the calls, but she calls after 9 PM and I am either a sleep or winding down to try and sleep. I get up at 3:30 AM so I need my 6 hours or sleep. I had to explain it to her. She is not a long talker so I told her she could actually call me in work as the boss is only there 4 hours on Mondays.

Last night she called and asked if I could help her this weekend. Evie's old apartment has been redone and they asked if she could move so they could work on her place. She knows that there is an elder that needs to be moved in and it would be good that they be in January. The elder is staying with grand children, but the sooner they are in their own space the better. I can tell she has been crying.

I did buy myself my Christmas present. Sadly it was not the $2000 sexy Nikon camera I have been busting after. I bought myself a Dyson vacuum and I like using it. I tried a cheap one when Dad's died, but I hated how clunky it was so I gave it to him.

I have set up a nice reading spot. A spot that is not my TV watching chair or internet dooms scrolling chair. I hope to settle in tonight for some reading time.

I am daydreaming of a trip to Puerto Rico. It's warm there. Im sure I can find sea shells there and take lots of photos. Maybe I need to try a cruise for 2027. If I don't leave the job... I promised I would try 3 years there, but if there is no money then I am going to have to try for something else... even if Dad still needs appointments.

January has 2 Saturdays gone. Jan 10 is my rich cousin's wedding in Boston. Jan 17 is the celebration of life for my friend that died a couple weeks ago.

I need some luck today. I have a craft show today and my head isn't in that space.

Smile and fake it. Hoping the table next to me has some fun chatty people.

The last few days have been pretty good... No work and crafting can do that...it's how I want to spend my retirement.

On Thursday I went to the ceramic shop to paint with other people... the mundane pre Thanksgiving conversations of people helped get me from. that sad/angry mood from the loss of Evie. It was good to be there and I had lots of paint at the ready. When I came home I had a nice chat with a friend so all was well and I could make jewelry. So Thursday and Friday were productive and happy.

I dont like to make things for sale when I am upset. I feel that my ceramics will be part of someone's Christmas holiday and jewelry is a personal thing that I dont want angry or sad energy going into those things. Regular canvas or watercolor painting is a different story... those are meant to have whatever emotion comes out of you....and will connect with someone if it is meant to be.

The craft show was good. All my ceramic pieces sold and I sold 7 pieces of jewelry...not a bad day. I hope the folks enjoy everything and my crafts make someone's day special.

I have one more craft show on the 6th. It's all ceramic.

This afternoon I have a brunch with the women from the Monday team at the animal shelter and then I head over to help DQ with Evie's apartment. Everything has to out by Dec 1 or the housing authority with throw it in a dumpster.