(no subject)
Jan. 5th, 2025 09:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravena_kadeYesterday I was so very glad to spend time with Friends and people with lives.... I really needed that. Even the train ride where I read was very nice.
Today I went with Dad to the cousins. I thought they could use someone to sit with my Aunt. I wanted to let her talk if she needed it. It's always hard when children die before parents no matter the age. It seems that she had forgotten that they told her Friday night. She was very stoic Friday night when I was there. She did freak out yesterday. Today she and I just talked.
The cousins themselves are pushing things with me. At one point they are telling me that no one wants my Dad to drive to the funeral as he will be too distraught to drive...ummm...he drove just fine after my Mother died. Then the funeral itself will be one of those Giant Irish Catholic things complete with a $20,000 coffin.... a 6 hour wake...that they expect us to be driven too and the next day the funeral and dinner. They wanted my Dad to be a Pall Barer ...I don't even know if that how its spelled. Dad is 82 with congestive heart failure... for F's sake. Then they are going over all these grandiose things. Now the cousin who passed did not go to church and would not have spent 20 on a coffin to be burnt.
All of this is making my skin. crawl. I did not even want to be there for the last rights, but I needed to stay because Dad was being driven there...he was told to say good bye. Umm the cousin was brain dead...already gone by by thinking . That should have been price with his wife and kids. Not a circus.
They asked if I wanted a piece of jewelry with his ashes in it. They then asked if I wanted a pendent that was made of his fingerprint... NOPE.
No one did shit when my mother died (still rather angry). Nothing. Second, this is no longer my belief system. I get that it is their's (although they have not been to church in a decade)and that they feel the need to make their brother a saint, but please keep me the f out of it. It was an afternoon of we will do this and we will do that...and I kept saying please don' t worry about us...do your thing. And Dad would not leave even when I wanted to. They wanted me to give approval for my Dad to be part of the ceremony. I said that he is an adult and rarely does what I tell him to do, but this is not his thing. He did say no.
Finally I got Dad to go. 3 hours later I get a call asking if I would help at the Altar either by reading, Laying a blanket over the coffin , or by bringing the gifts up to the communion. Ummm... Gee, no one could see my discomfort all Day. Grrrr... I thanked the cousin for calling and asking and I flat out told her that this was not my belief. I am no longer Catholic or Protestant. We didn't do this for my Mother because she didn't want it and I don't believe. If I don't believe I have no business being anywhere near the Altar. This would make me uncomfortable.
Fuck. Why do they have to push. If someone wants to help don't they volunteer? This man had a shit ton of friends and such.
Frankly I am more for setting the body out on a boat and setting it on fire.
They also dont know when the services will be. They are hoping for Friday or next Monday. This puts me in a bad spot with work as I have a tax deadline.
By having us ride with family we will have to sit with them...I prefer being at the back of the building ...last in and out quickly.
No no no no no...
Today I went with Dad to the cousins. I thought they could use someone to sit with my Aunt. I wanted to let her talk if she needed it. It's always hard when children die before parents no matter the age. It seems that she had forgotten that they told her Friday night. She was very stoic Friday night when I was there. She did freak out yesterday. Today she and I just talked.
The cousins themselves are pushing things with me. At one point they are telling me that no one wants my Dad to drive to the funeral as he will be too distraught to drive...ummm...he drove just fine after my Mother died. Then the funeral itself will be one of those Giant Irish Catholic things complete with a $20,000 coffin.... a 6 hour wake...that they expect us to be driven too and the next day the funeral and dinner. They wanted my Dad to be a Pall Barer ...I don't even know if that how its spelled. Dad is 82 with congestive heart failure... for F's sake. Then they are going over all these grandiose things. Now the cousin who passed did not go to church and would not have spent 20 on a coffin to be burnt.
All of this is making my skin. crawl. I did not even want to be there for the last rights, but I needed to stay because Dad was being driven there...he was told to say good bye. Umm the cousin was brain dead...already gone by by thinking . That should have been price with his wife and kids. Not a circus.
They asked if I wanted a piece of jewelry with his ashes in it. They then asked if I wanted a pendent that was made of his fingerprint... NOPE.
No one did shit when my mother died (still rather angry). Nothing. Second, this is no longer my belief system. I get that it is their's (although they have not been to church in a decade)and that they feel the need to make their brother a saint, but please keep me the f out of it. It was an afternoon of we will do this and we will do that...and I kept saying please don' t worry about us...do your thing. And Dad would not leave even when I wanted to. They wanted me to give approval for my Dad to be part of the ceremony. I said that he is an adult and rarely does what I tell him to do, but this is not his thing. He did say no.
Finally I got Dad to go. 3 hours later I get a call asking if I would help at the Altar either by reading, Laying a blanket over the coffin , or by bringing the gifts up to the communion. Ummm... Gee, no one could see my discomfort all Day. Grrrr... I thanked the cousin for calling and asking and I flat out told her that this was not my belief. I am no longer Catholic or Protestant. We didn't do this for my Mother because she didn't want it and I don't believe. If I don't believe I have no business being anywhere near the Altar. This would make me uncomfortable.
Fuck. Why do they have to push. If someone wants to help don't they volunteer? This man had a shit ton of friends and such.
Frankly I am more for setting the body out on a boat and setting it on fire.
They also dont know when the services will be. They are hoping for Friday or next Monday. This puts me in a bad spot with work as I have a tax deadline.
By having us ride with family we will have to sit with them...I prefer being at the back of the building ...last in and out quickly.
No no no no no...
no subject
Date: 2025-01-06 07:58 am (UTC)UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$20,000 coffin? YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad's wasn't $2, but it wasn't $20,000 either. :o
Hugs, Jon
no subject
Date: 2025-01-06 11:22 pm (UTC)My thoughts exactly!
And $20,000 is the price of a decent car. Google says an average price for a coffin is $2k - $5K and "premium" caskets going for $10k, and the average price of a funeral (including burial and the service) in MA is $10,300. So they're massively over paying! (Or getting ripped off....)
no subject
Date: 2025-01-10 06:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-06 01:00 pm (UTC)Your cousin's funeral plans; a nightmare! I've instructed my family to do a cheap no fuss or frills funeral for me, just a cremation, no service or mourners. The instructions are in my will. I'd rather they had my small amount of savings and a small insurance payout to benefit them. They can have a nice meal and tell stories of the fun times we had and the daff things I did and laugh about it :)
no subject
Date: 2025-01-06 04:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-06 07:55 pm (UTC)And while I can understand madness in grief, your Dad is in no shape whatsoever to be carrying grocery bags, let alone a casket.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-06 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 12:18 am (UTC)Along with a few more of your clueless relatives. Go big or go home!
But seriously, pall bearer? What were they thinking? And I won't belabor the 20K thing. :\
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 02:04 am (UTC)Well, if you do get stuck with his ashes and/or fingerprint, I can help you make a model viking ship and set it on fire with you.....
No, really.
I would just keep politely declining doing anything for the service. Lie and say you do not feel you would be emotionally capable of doing so and you don't feel you'd be able to do it justice, etc. Just keep politely refusing. No need to start a religious inquisition & schism over it. I don't think you need to even justify you case or your religious views (or lack thereof). Just say thank you for considering me for these roles but I can't do it, it's too much.
I do feel for you losing your cousin, but I feel more for you having to endure the aftermath and funeral.