ranting off the rails.

[ravena_kade]

I am overwhelmed and feel like I did back when Ma was sick... My phone has been going off since 7:40 this morning. Cousins wanting to know what Dad can eat...where they should get food... what should he order. Then how is my ceramic friend's mother...she is in the hospital with dementia from low potassium... My aunt wants to call her...bla blah blah ... I don't care it's not even 8 AM on a Sunday. Then my sister is texting . Then a friend who means well...but I can't even take a pee. Then my sister was on the phone for 2 hours. My email is overrun with emails from the hospital with all the test results from last week. I don't want to open them as I really don't know what it all means. He feels good this week. That is all I know. The doc should tell me things on the 16th. I opened up my email today and found that 4 dr appointments were set up for tomorrow that I didn't know about. They were centered around the follow up appointment I made at 2:30. I had cancel the ones I didn't know about...stating that I did not make these appointment. I think they may be from the heart transplant unit that does the heart pumps...but no one talked to me. I can't craft for my craft shows that pay for the heating oil. Again. I'm afraid they are going to want to do the heart pump ASAP because he feels good. I just can't do it now. This changes my life major. Doesn't anyone really care about the caregiver? But if I say no he dies. So I need to delay. I would like his cataracts taken care of so that maybe the delay I need. I don't mind the cleaning part of care. I pick up dog poop every week so gross isn't an issue. but I am terrified that his alarm will go off and I won't be able to figure out the error...I can't even fix my printer never mind a heart machine. If it goes off when he is not with me, then I am not responsible. I wonder if the clinic can set up a meeting for me to speak with someone who does the caregiving...or someone who does their own machine upkeep. I need to get my job under my belt. I need the job to pay for everything while he is not working. I can't get the family leave act until I have been there a year. I also just don't want this for the holidays. Not that I celebrate...it's just that others will be wrapped up in the Hollidays and things won't get done. . I also don't want this at the anniversary of my Mother's death. I want January. That way he will be in the hospital for 3 weeks and I can work. By Feb I should be able to work remote...but won't have to if my sister is here. My sister says she supports whatever I say. That's nice but I don't care. She wants to be here when he has the surgery...she needs to know when,... but I can't tell her when. She wants to be here because she wasn't here for Ma. Sigh. She wants to take FLMA to be here to help. I will need the help because I am not secure with my job. I will need the help this time... but it means that she and her partner will be here 3 months... in my house. In my bedroom as that's the only way I can contain them... Down stairs is not set up with a second bedroom. So If I can hold this off until January then I will be spending Christmas dismantling my room. I am trying to stand up for myself... so I won't be swallowed up... but I feel like I am being steamrolled...again. Along with work being troublesome and I can't concentrate on it. This weekend I did major cleaning and meal prep for the week. I am tired. Tomorrow I face the boss and see how much of the Month end processing she has done without me because I can't perform. If I loose this job then I can't do all the doctor appointments with Dad. My Mother would have never done this. She would have said to give her a 6 pack of beer and a pack of cigarettes and screw it.

Comments

[gwendraith]

*Hugs*. Wish I could help :(

[cmcmck]

Hugs.

I suspect your mum had the right idea!

[chris_warrior]

it's so overwhelming sometimes and i'm so sorry it got to this point for you. sending you a hug and lots of energy.

[disneydream06]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I so wish there was something I could do for you.
HUGS, Jon

[wispywillow]

I can't even imagine the amount of stress. Obviously there is nothing I can say to help, other than that I see you.

[fbhjr]

I'm sorry for how it is all working out for you.
I hope it goes as best as it can for you and your dad.
But, however it goes, you have done more and better than anyone I know.
Maybe not much comfort, but it's true.

[kaishin108]

Oh gosh I really feel for you. That overwhelming feeling is so awful. I sure don't care for your boss when she sounded so different when you were interviewed and first hired. Sending you positive vibes and please vision yourself walking on the beach.

Hugs Helen

[guy_todd]

I don't want to open them as I really don't know what it all means

Best not to—even benign stuff sounds terrifying in Medicalese. If it's critical they will let you know. *hugs*