(no subject)

[ravena_kade]

We are into April.

I thought I could put some feelings away and push through. I am trying. Most of them are normal. It has only been 5 Months.

The thing I am having a hard time with is that I had to make the CHOICE. It was my words that said do not save her when all I wanted to do is take her home and save her and let her see. I know the choice was what she would have wanted... she told me in October that if an MRI said she had cancer that she would not seek treatment. She would not have wanted a surgery to remove her entire gut. But she didn't say it. I had to.

I would like to talk to someone who has had to do this.

People should not die from a broken arm. Hospitals should be clean and not contaminate people.

Comments

[cmcmck]

We all know that they should be, but sadly it isn't always so.

Hugs

[gwendraith]

I don't know the back story but I'm so sorry you are feeling like you do. I wonder if there is a help group for that sort of thing where you could talk? *Hug*

[ravena_kade]

Thank you.

My Mom let her cataract go until she was blinded on Sept 10. On Sept 11th she fell, but she finally let us take her to a hospital. She broke her arm. Since she hadn't been to a doctor in 50 years she had no primary care to prescribe her the pain killers needed for a bad break. A visiting nurse tried for hours and called every doctor that saw her just to get me 5 pills until I got her to a primary care. The answer was no and I was told to bring her back to the hospital they would give her the pain killers and then put her in rehab for a couple weeks to get her the meds as no one would give me or my Dad any pain killers for her. While she was in the hospital I had her MRI'd from the top of her head to her toes. She was healthier that I am. Better blood pressure and better lungs...and she smoked for 50 years. They said all I would need to do is have a basic cataract surgery and she would be awesome and live to 100.

The rehab or the hospital contaminated her with a bacteria called C. Diff. I was told it was treatable. One night before I went home they said she was doing fine. I went in at 7 AM the next day and they said that the antibiotics were not really working and that she could have surgery to remove all of her intestines, but that would be a lot of suffering and she may die on the table ... so the choice was to have her suffer or die being cut up into pieces...

She fell 9/11 and was gone on November 7th. And even sadder was that since Trump became president on 11/8 everyone I knew was so devastated people didn't even recognize that my Mom was gone.

[gwendraith]

That is an heart breaking story, I am so sorry. My own mother also contracted C.Diff in hospital and although she was extremely poorly she did pull through.

Life can be fragile and it's hard to live with 'what ifs'. Various circumstances led to the final outcome, it wasn't your fault. *Hugs*

[chris_warrior]

i agree that the series of unfortunate events was unfair. i don't agree that you caused it. your mom made choices, too. she waited to seek care. she threw frequent fits. she could have been out of the hospital far earlier had she obeyed instruction. your dad, who theoretically had just as much sway with your mom, couldn't do anything about her behavior. the doctors made choices. the nurses made choices. it was not only your choice that led to where things went.

i wish you'd forgive yourself. *hug*

[brickhousewench]

I don't think there was any way you could save her. She wasn't working with you or the doctors or even eating. Even if you'd had all the money in the world and all the time to care for her, if she wouldn't work with you, I don't see how you could have saved her. She had to cooperate, she had to try to get better. And she didn't. That's not on you, you had no control over her.


*HUGS*

[kaishin108]

Those 'choices' are so hard. My mom was near death and the hospice folks told me just to keep 'upping' the morphine until she was unconscious, but I felt like I was killing her, it was a strange feeling. So instead of hospice at home we took her into the hospice place, (even though she didn't want to go but was near death). And we felt like it was either that or... So she ending up dying there, not in her own bed like I know she would have preferred.

Then my Dad did get C-diff in the hospital and they made me decide in about 20 minutes what to do, it was horrible. But I did feel he was beyond help of any sort, so they let him go.

It haunts one doesn't it.

Soft hugz my dear.
Helen

[ravena_kade]

Haunt is the right word.

People are complaining that I think too much so I don't talk much about it anymore.

Thank you for sharing.

[kaishin108]

I guess people who don't personally go thru it may not understand. Even my Mom's sister, my favorite aunt up until... pretty much told me to shut up about it. I just did not understand that. She is quite Catholic religious but she told me I had no right to be mad about it. Say what?! I can be mad if I want.

I wrote some poetry and did some art about it, that helped a lot.

Go easy on yourself. You have every right to be upset about it and it is not healthy to stuff those feelings.